When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
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The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.