I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
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I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands