I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
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Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.