I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
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I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
The “baby” on the left….
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)