I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
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What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.