I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
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I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
i wish we could shoplift online
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
good work, detective
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.