@SortaBad: I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
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@noogscorner: Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend. Step 2) Text "Medusa's excited to meet you." Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
@MacAnnabella: "You're prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!" TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
@InternetHippo: GOD: I designed this world with a purpose, why did u change everything PEOPLE: We— [pug walks by] GOD: What…the HELL…is that
@therichards5: [looks at text from 2 days ago] Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?