I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
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Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
Finally a use for spoilers…
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm