I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
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*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
I only eat vegetarians.
Somewhere in an alternate universe
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
just left a huge legacy in there
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in