I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
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You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.