@KevinFarzad: I love how women always smell good, and can complete you, and are sometimes wrapped in tinfoil. Wait, that's a burrito. I love burritos.
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@shariv67: It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it's the right brand so it doesn't get the hose again.
@SamuelHLowe: "Based on a true story" means it happened more or less like this, but with ugly people.
@boxergraphix: #Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
@sad_tree: She's marrying HIM?! TODAY?! *cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*