tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
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Respect
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
“our sushi is very fresh”
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.