“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
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I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting