@JennyJohnsonHi5: I love Instagram's new direct messaging feature because I've always thought, "If only this picture of someone's dinner was just for me."
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@littlelady899: When someone says "Happy New Years" I wonder, how many years are they talking about?
@Coolisiana: INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness? ME: INTERVIEWER: ME: MY MOTHER: He's not good at speaking up for himself
@loribuckmajor: Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg and wait. -hospitals
@owillis: 2007: OBAMA'S COMIN' FER YER GUNS 2008: comin' 2009: almost 2010: any day 2011: seriously 2012: ok now 2013: i think.. 2014: nope 2015: well