@JennyJohnsonHi5: I love Instagram's new direct messaging feature because I've always thought, "If only this picture of someone's dinner was just for me."
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@markedly: Things Ted Cruz and I have in common: 1. Love butter 2. Shy eyes 3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual 4. Brown hair
@TitansHomer: Operator: 911 Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do? O: Relax sir, is this her first born? Me: No, this is her husband.
@AthenaMystique: Apparently UFC is not Ultimate Fried Chicken and now I'm even hungrier watching huge greased up men touch each other inappropriately.