@JennyJohnsonHi5: I love Instagram's new direct messaging feature because I've always thought, "If only this picture of someone's dinner was just for me."
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@pinningnut: N: Why are you picking up rocks? M: I'm starting a rock band. Neighbor walks away. That is how you get people to leave you alone.
@STitusR: Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
@Jandalize: There's no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you're blowing up a rubber glove.