@JennyJohnsonHi5: I love Instagram's new direct messaging feature because I've always thought, "If only this picture of someone's dinner was just for me."
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@thesulk: Just picked up an unknown call with a "Hello?" An old woman said "Joan?" So, I can cross "mistaken for a Joan" off the bucket list.
@chuchugoogoo: "Read 'em and weep" I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent's handwritten love letters from WWII.
@Reverend_Scott: *rubs magic lamp, genie appears* "You get 2 wishes." I wish I got 3 wishes. "Your wish is granted." Nice, nice. "You have 2 left."
@kelkulus: Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly. Men are like bacon because we're pigs.