I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
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Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.