Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
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[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.