I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
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My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget