I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
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My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea