“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
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Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh