“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
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I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
I pray every night that I never become religious…
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing