I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
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What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little