@BeardSpice: I love jokes about video games. They work on so many levels.
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@PissingLaughter: Fake moms- 'I never want to be away from my children' Real moms- 'You drop that pizza, I'll put you up for adoption'
@WoodyLuvsCoffee: GF told me she wanted to write her "biography" & I said "autobiography" & now there's a chapter where I sleep at my place.
@careworn: Why do people insist on saying "You're next" to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
@reczit: I'm afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.