“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
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I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.