@lecalabara: "I love Justin Bieber" well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
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@david8hughes: Good cop: we found her body in the river Cop who doesn't want people knowing he can't swim: I was sick that day otherwise I'd have found it
@theshantilly: *shampoos & conditions hair *rinses hair *blowdries hair *straightens hair *spits toothpaste into hair
@ShortSleeveSuit: [on an airplane] Me: Is the pilot any good? Flight attendant: One of the best Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
@jonnysun: "911 whats ur emergency" omg im DYING "we'll send someone right awa–" i met THE funiest guy "ok wait so ur not actualy–" AND HE STABBED ME