“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
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me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move