Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
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Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀