I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
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Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
Nice try, NASA
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying