Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
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My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
My favorite type of men is ramen.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.