(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
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[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
Cake!!
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?