@BlackTurnsBlue: I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren't three other people around.
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@jake_likes_naps: *cops finds my loose floorboard* Cop: What's under here... *they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets* Me: I'd like my lawyer now.
@ImABaconDonut: One day on Mercury lasts about 1,408 hours. About the same as a common Monday on Earth.
@julezmac: Football is so cute it's like some guys are like we're gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
@papasuncle: ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.