I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
You Might Also Like
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
Me when my alarm goes off
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
That’s fair
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.