i love meeting boys on tinder
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I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy