I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
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[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
The Friday File.
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas