I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
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ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
“What?”
– Jude
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it