I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
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It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means