I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
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[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
🤣dope
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.