@jackiembouvier: I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I'd have to lose to date again.
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@dubstep4dads: Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral Friend: what? that's not a giraffe Me: sorry I'm on drugs at your grandmas funeral
@JoParkerBear: [USPS] M: *hands change of address form* C: Ma'am, this just says "bathtub." M: I live there now. C: We can't send mail to a bathtub. M: Yay
@genehunter1: I always blurt out, "SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND" in my best Al Pacino Scarface accent when I stand next to a stranger at a urinal.