@jackiembouvier: I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I'd have to lose to date again.
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@RickAaron: I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don't have any laser hair.
@AnOrangeSNES: Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY "No thanks, I'll eat something else."
@Ygrene: "Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom" the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth