I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
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Answers phone, makes modem noises…
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
awesome draft from months ago i just found
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going