“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
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Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
Always 🥴
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?