“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
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Morning.
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
I want to meet the individual who made this
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.