I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
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dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
Sharon I have some bad news
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
Yup.
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
Never forget.
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.