I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
Every BBC series about the universe.
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men