i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
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[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]