i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
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“our sushi is very fresh”
A fake ID that makes you younger
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
Autocorrect is my menesis
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times