I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
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*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?