[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
You Might Also Like
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?