The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
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I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
Only a mother’s love …
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.