I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
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I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?