“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
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I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
*checks Timeline*…
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black