@omgthatspunny: i love pizza
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@AndyAsAdjective: What they don't tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
@BobTheSuit: Me: So, what do you do for a living? Her: I flip houses. Me: You must have incredible lower back strength. Her: You're an idiot.
@MatCro: *phone rings* Wife - "Quick! Pretend I'm not in!" Me - *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle* Wife - "....""
@Wtftab: Useful information: don't turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.