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@omgthatspunny: i love pizza
@hippieswordfish: ME: *fumbling with bra* sorry im usually good at this
ME: *successfully gets bra off* there we go, now you take off yours
@UNTRESOR: Condoleeza Rice's less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
@LackOfShame: Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I'm right here
@ThisOneSayz: Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
@macchiatonumb: *Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?