@GashleyMadison: I love playing catch with my dogs when I'm drunk, because I don't have dogs when I'm sober.
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@jenstatsky: Hey, pens at the bank: cool it with the chains. You are literally last on my list of things I'd like to steal from a bank.
@ComedyCentral: "If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace." -Taylor Swift's moment of revenge
@XplodingUnicorn: 2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church* Me: She has a baby in her tummy. 2: *whispering* She ate it.
@rocknthepurple: I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.