@GashleyMadison: I love playing catch with my dogs when I'm drunk, because I don't have dogs when I'm sober.
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@thepunningman: Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
@beardofprey: last night my dog shit on the floor then at some point the Roomba came and smeared it all over the house :D
@FreudsTwin: I was up all night wondering, if you get fired at the Unemployment Office, do you just switch to the other side of the desk?