I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
You Might Also Like
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
Sorry not sorry.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.