“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
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“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!