“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
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Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’