@TheWoodenslurpy: I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
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@JohnHilsen: Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you're not microwave-safe.
@causticbob: If you're using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady... That's how I lost my job as a bus driver.
@lilgapeach30: I don't delete annoying people out of my phone. I give them new names so I know not to answer. "Always needs a favor" is calling, decline.
@TheHyyyype: 16yo [talking w friend]: fam that's lit af, tell bae and the squad that it's on fleek PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid's having a seizure