@JermHimselfish: I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don't text me back.
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@AndrewNadeau0: VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I've been expec- BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?! V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
@dafloydsta: When a coworker says "This is all Greek to me", I always assume they want me to punch them right in their throatopolis.
@Freudianscript: *Maybe try dressing up as SpongeBob this Halloween, since you're so self absorbed.* -Me as a therapist
@genepompa: Can't believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up