I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
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At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer