I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
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Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.